Mothers don't let your babies grow up to be...no let them be what they want

I am a mom. By choice in fact. I love it. I've said that this year marks a milestone year for me in my life because it is the "same age" year as many call it for those who have lost a parent. This year, I am the same age that my mom was when she passed away from a long battle with cancer (42). Ironically, my youngest daughter is the exact same age I was when my mom passed (13). In recently months, I have watched her bloom into a typical teenager, with the hormones and the make up and the hair and the style. I now know what my mom saw from her perspective. I have attending awards presentations and performances and sent her off to her 8th grade formal dance. The proudest moments. It's amazing to think my mom was about to die at the age I am now. She missed my promotion dance. I can't imagine not being here. My life seems like it's just beginning! I remember my perspective at my daughter's age: growing up so much faster than my friends had to. But I HAD to. One of the things my wife and I do for our children is really have them understand the importance of self-sufficiency. It's hard, but it's essential. My mom started working with me and my brother at a young age (she was diagnosed when I was 4) because she didn't know what time had in store or how much time she would have. The things I learned from my mom have been long life lessons but the simple things were what I learned when I was young. Make your bed. Do the dishes. Never wash reds with whites. Be honest. Show compassion. I believe we have done these (except the making the bed part) with both our kids. It may be a struggle, but larger struggles lie ahead so you might as well get the small ones down early. In two weeks, my youngest promotes from middle school and begins her high school years. What I would have given to have my mom with me during those years. I am looking forward to the opportunity to be there for B. 

Death and goodbyes

As a quick recap, this is the "same age" year for me. My mother passed away just  13 days before her 43rd birthday. I was 13 years old and my brother was 11. This year, I will turn 43 in November. My youngest daughter is currently, you guessed it, 13.  So this year I will be discussing my thoughts and feelings throughout the year, both in relation to my being my mother age as she passed and my daughter being the same age I was. 

Earlier this week, my daughter's dad's wife's mom passed away. So the mother of her step mom. Anyway, I digress. I had mentioned to her that this weekend she may go to her dad's on Saturday morning rather than Friday night because of the funeral. We started discussing saying goodbye and the grieving process. 

Now, my kiddos lost their papa when my oldest was 13 and my youngest was 6. My youngest doesn't remember a whole lot about the funeral and saying goodbye but we talked about it and that sometimes people pass into their next journey before we have the chance to see them and say goodbye. This was the case with their papa and my wife and I truly believe it was because he did not want them to see him as he was, but remember him as the strong man they loved. My daughter asked me if I saw my mom before she died. I explained the day as clear as I can remember it but that I did see her the day or two before she passed and I heard her just before she passed. We discussed how a person's body upon reaching death can no longer hold the beautiful soul within, that the body slowly begins to wither away and that remembering our loved ones in their happier times is always better. But I struggle with having the opportunity to say or not say goodbye. I told my daughter that I was given the option to see my mom after she passed; that I didn't have to but I chose to. And she asked me if my mom died peacefully. I told her I hope she had. She had been struggling for so long I hope she had some peace. When I saw my mom's body after she passed, I guess you can say she was at peace. I told my daughter that I think I would have chose not to see her had I been given the chance again; not because I didn't want to see her at peace, but because I wanted to remember her as she was when she wasn't ill. That image, which I hadn't recalled in some time, was one that haunted me early on; made me doubt my faith in God because how could someone take my mother away and leave me at my most vulnerable time. But that's another story. 

We discussed that people should be given the option to say goodbye whether it is in person, at the funeral service or in private communicating from within. She wants to go to the funeral because she does feel sad about this person passing but we discussed that you can also say your goodbyes from afar, which many of us have to do. 

What I do know is that I am going to be here for her as she needs to talk about life, to discuss death. I will always be here for both my kiddos no matter what age, as long as I am alive to do so. By the way, the irony of this particular situation, besides all of the ages? The mother of her dad's wife passed away on January 14th - same date as my mom 29 years ago. 

Until next time.