To Infinity and Beyond...

I am not going to be able sum up the last four years since my last post. Hell, I can't. But I find myself in a a space, with a new life and a new perspective. While the COVID-19 pandemic has affected so many of us, the changes my life have gone through have been surreal. Looking back on previous blog posts, I am in a whole different realm, if you will. I am a grandma to two beautiful boys. I earned my Master's degree in Disability Studies. I have two amazing adult daughters who continue to inspire me daily. I am divorced - something I never thought possible with the love my former wife and I shared. And we did love each other... don't let anyone tell you any differently. In June, I lost my job after almost nine years due to the pandemic. In fact, my whole department was demolished and we all were laid off. I found myself stripped down to the bone of my existence.

But over the last year and a half, I have discovered that life is about what you manifest.  It is possible to rebuild when you have been shattered down to the naked nothingness of what you once knew. My beautiful soul has rediscovered beauty and light. Having this second blow just made me put into perspective that I have worth and maybe if I open up my full heart to the universe, it will guide me where I need to be, both spiritually and in my career.  

I didn't feel right just abandoning this blog, even after such a lengthy period.  There is so much work to be done and I will never give up the fight to stand up for what I believe in, and even more so for what is right in this world.

I will be creating a new blog soon.  I don't know the content, but I know it will be worthwhile. Thank you, and on to the next journey.

L.

Mothers don't let your babies grow up to be...no let them be what they want

I am a mom. By choice in fact. I love it. I've said that this year marks a milestone year for me in my life because it is the "same age" year as many call it for those who have lost a parent. This year, I am the same age that my mom was when she passed away from a long battle with cancer (42). Ironically, my youngest daughter is the exact same age I was when my mom passed (13). In recently months, I have watched her bloom into a typical teenager, with the hormones and the make up and the hair and the style. I now know what my mom saw from her perspective. I have attending awards presentations and performances and sent her off to her 8th grade formal dance. The proudest moments. It's amazing to think my mom was about to die at the age I am now. She missed my promotion dance. I can't imagine not being here. My life seems like it's just beginning! I remember my perspective at my daughter's age: growing up so much faster than my friends had to. But I HAD to. One of the things my wife and I do for our children is really have them understand the importance of self-sufficiency. It's hard, but it's essential. My mom started working with me and my brother at a young age (she was diagnosed when I was 4) because she didn't know what time had in store or how much time she would have. The things I learned from my mom have been long life lessons but the simple things were what I learned when I was young. Make your bed. Do the dishes. Never wash reds with whites. Be honest. Show compassion. I believe we have done these (except the making the bed part) with both our kids. It may be a struggle, but larger struggles lie ahead so you might as well get the small ones down early. In two weeks, my youngest promotes from middle school and begins her high school years. What I would have given to have my mom with me during those years. I am looking forward to the opportunity to be there for B. 

Death and goodbyes

As a quick recap, this is the "same age" year for me. My mother passed away just  13 days before her 43rd birthday. I was 13 years old and my brother was 11. This year, I will turn 43 in November. My youngest daughter is currently, you guessed it, 13.  So this year I will be discussing my thoughts and feelings throughout the year, both in relation to my being my mother age as she passed and my daughter being the same age I was. 

Earlier this week, my daughter's dad's wife's mom passed away. So the mother of her step mom. Anyway, I digress. I had mentioned to her that this weekend she may go to her dad's on Saturday morning rather than Friday night because of the funeral. We started discussing saying goodbye and the grieving process. 

Now, my kiddos lost their papa when my oldest was 13 and my youngest was 6. My youngest doesn't remember a whole lot about the funeral and saying goodbye but we talked about it and that sometimes people pass into their next journey before we have the chance to see them and say goodbye. This was the case with their papa and my wife and I truly believe it was because he did not want them to see him as he was, but remember him as the strong man they loved. My daughter asked me if I saw my mom before she died. I explained the day as clear as I can remember it but that I did see her the day or two before she passed and I heard her just before she passed. We discussed how a person's body upon reaching death can no longer hold the beautiful soul within, that the body slowly begins to wither away and that remembering our loved ones in their happier times is always better. But I struggle with having the opportunity to say or not say goodbye. I told my daughter that I was given the option to see my mom after she passed; that I didn't have to but I chose to. And she asked me if my mom died peacefully. I told her I hope she had. She had been struggling for so long I hope she had some peace. When I saw my mom's body after she passed, I guess you can say she was at peace. I told my daughter that I think I would have chose not to see her had I been given the chance again; not because I didn't want to see her at peace, but because I wanted to remember her as she was when she wasn't ill. That image, which I hadn't recalled in some time, was one that haunted me early on; made me doubt my faith in God because how could someone take my mother away and leave me at my most vulnerable time. But that's another story. 

We discussed that people should be given the option to say goodbye whether it is in person, at the funeral service or in private communicating from within. She wants to go to the funeral because she does feel sad about this person passing but we discussed that you can also say your goodbyes from afar, which many of us have to do. 

What I do know is that I am going to be here for her as she needs to talk about life, to discuss death. I will always be here for both my kiddos no matter what age, as long as I am alive to do so. By the way, the irony of this particular situation, besides all of the ages? The mother of her dad's wife passed away on January 14th - same date as my mom 29 years ago. 

Until next time. 

Marriage Equality in all 50 states

This morning, marriage finally became legal for same sex couples in all 50 states. Finally. I never thought I would see it in this lifetime. Two years ago when Prop 8 was finally defeated and Federal rights were granted as DOMA was lifted I thought I had seen it all. I could marry my wife legally in California and no one could do a thing about it. But today, all 50 states of these United States of America have marriage equality. The U.S. Supreme Court had ruled and has changed the law of the land, giving freedoms and rights to those who want to love equally. My heart could explode with happiness. I have gone through bouts of tears and just the energy of having this news has made me so emotional. On this day. The day of decision for many decisions. I want to celebrate. I want to scream and honk my horn and show all my pride. And I will. I started this blog to express my thoughts and feelings in relation to oppression of being part of an underprivileged class. It just makes sense. My youngest daughter posted on IG and has been a part of this movement in her own right. We never forced views upon her but she has grown up loving all people regardless of race, religion, orientation and has learned to love. Love everyone for who they are despite differences. And today love wins. 

Decisions, decisions...

There has been something weighing on my mind for the last six months or so.  First of all, my life is so blessed.  So full of love and experience and amazingness. In the last 7 years I have met so many people who have thoroughly filled my cup.  Many of these are all my friends and family in interpreting.  They have been the most supportive, straight-forward, honest, helpful and loving.  When I interpret, I put my whole everything into it. And I am hard on myself, which has been good and also not so good.  It creates a barrier for me that becomes hard to overcome.  My friends and family in interpreting have pushed me to strive for the best.  They have picked me up when I am down or too hard on my work.  And they have given me strength. In everything, from confidence in an assignment to strength in a decision.

Five years ago (15 days shy), I passed the written exam for NIC certification.  That is part one of two (for those who don't know).  Elated!  That was a huge success in my goal toward certification. I wanted to take my career to the next level.  I mean, after all, I just finish my interpreting education program and I had an amazing study partner who continues to inspire me to this day. However, many of my fears crept up.  I'm doing it wrong.  It's not ASL.  I'm too slow.  It doesn't make sense.  I would go out to many performance tests to work at colleges, agencies and the like, none of which panned out.  My anxiety got the best of me.  And then the feedback.  It didn't make sense. And it did a number on my confidence.  I did some college interpreting and some freelance assignments, but it got to the point that I wasn't as involved as I should be.  The feedback I got and still get from the Deaf community is "Wow, I didn't realize you were hearing!" which lifts me so high, I can't even begin to explain.  I silently do a victory dance inside because those words mean so much.  Now to back up even more...

Ten and a half years ago my life was changed by a not-so-good incident while I was cleaning my apartment.  After the tests and the hospital visits and the 3-months of medication for the one-time only seizure I had experienced left me with very fuzzy memories.  My once expansive skill of a photographic memory had waned to forgetting my train of thought during mid-sentence.  Luckily many of my memories have come back, but most are still fuzzy.  Having my job now had greatly strengthened my memory base and I can recall many things most people forget.  But at the same time, I have lost a lot of interpreting skills.  When you don't use it, you definitely lose it.

Six months ago, I had to make a decision which I have only recently made. You see, from the time you take the Knowledge Exam for NIC, you have five years to take the Performance and Interview portion of the test to become fully certified.  During that time, you need to be actively interpreting so you are fluid.  It's your life.  After all, it is your chosen career.  I decided six months ago that I was going to really evaluate if I wanted to go forward with certification.  I started studying all my written material, watching you tube videos and went to an interpreting workshop to see if I really wanted to pursue it.  I decided that I wasn't ready to decide!  But I had to.  My time was running out.  And I was living up to my childhood nickname, "Last Minute Lisa".  But I really needed to think this through!  What would I do if I became certified? How would that affect my life?  Did I want or need a change? How would it benefit me?  What if I didn't finish my goal of becoming a certified interpreter??  Would I be able to live with that?  Would I be able to live with that....  I decided not to decide, not yet.  So I delved into studying.  Downloaded an app to help memorize the tenets, because my brain couldn't remember the details of each of the sections. I continued to watch videos and ask myself those same questions: How will this benefit me? Can I live with myself if I don't finish my goal? Then I started to realize my goal had taken a new form.

My current job for the past 3 years has been a grassroots project at the public transit agency teaching seniors and people with disabilities how to access public transit so they can remain independent in their lives.  I started the program and I absolutely love it. While I oversee this program and all of its facets, I also work with Deaf seniors and Deaf young adults to access the bus to get where they need to go if they stop driving or if they don't drive. I conduct all my training in ASL, both individually and in group presentations.  I. Love. It.  And I see the benefits of being certified, but then, in my job, in my role (and there are many roles interpreters are asked to play, but sticking with the code of conduct, this could get sticky), it isn't necessary.  I want it, but do I need it? If I was certified, I wouldn't leave my job.  I created this program and seeing it blossom and grow is immensely satisfying.

So I was at a stall.  I was encouraged to contact two very dear mentors of mine from previous interpreting classes just to get their opinions.  Both had very strong points and excellent advice.  And they both individually told me in the end, it is my decision, and mine alone.  Their advice was the perfect remedy for me.  They will never know how each one individually inspired me and how their words comforted me. Shortly thereafter, I went to an event honoring my mentor and dear friend for the contributions to the Deaf community here in Riverside and she had a few of us who started the Student Association for Interpreters of the Deaf come on stage for recognition as well.  I was so proud to stand up there as the co-founder of this organization that has grown interpreters each year.  Many Deaf people came up to me that I work with in my current job and told me how awesome it was that I was a part of something so important. That was when I knew my answer to the question I had sought for so long.  I had people encouraging me and motivating me and being willing to mentor me.  I stayed up late into the evening with the co-founder of that organization; my friend and inspiration who was there with me 5 years ago taking the NIC written exam.  He imparting his knowledge of the Performance and Interview exam and his experience, and me fumbling through my own experiences and feelings. Sometimes, when the choice is clear, the decision is still hard.  You know when you are feeling pulled in both directions like a magnet pulling at its source? I felt so strongly in both directions.  Going home that night, I slept with a tennis match in my head. Weighing the pros and cons, realizing my own limitations with my memory and with my time and my own vision and hearing obstacles... In the end, once I made my decision, the load that had been weighing on me had been lifted.

I always want to be involved with the Deaf community.  The people within that community, interpreters, educators and Deaf alike, have been my brothers and sisters over these years.  I do not plan to leave this community.  But at this time in my life, I am choosing to let that certification go.  It doesn't mean I won't ever try again in the future, but right now, in my life right now, I am exactly where I want and need to be. My life took on a different path from the goal I set out 5 years ago.  I did not fail; my life path just shifted direction.  I would not be where I am today without the love and support of so many people within that community, especially those closest to me who never gave up on me: my mentors and my inspirations and my wife - all who provide unwavering support. For those of you who helped me come to my decision, whether knowingly or not, thank you. Thank you for being honest and being real.  It makes my heart swell with gratitude and smile with contentment.

Until next time...

A few months late, but still an update

I have been a bad blogger. But instead of badgering myself, let me give you an update.

Here we are in 2013. Last month in March, the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments for both Prop 8 and DOMA. The decision, THE decision, comes in the end of June. My family and I went to a candlelight vigil in hopes to light the way for justice. Our youngest has written several essays and has discussed marriage equality all on her own accord. I think it's time to finally have what we have been striving for: equal rights.

There was another tragedy that has hit the US. The bombings at the Boston marathon make us all hold our loved ones a little tighter.

Westboro Baptist Church is at it again, saying all the bombings and tragedies that have hit us are because God is punishing us for allowing gays to marry. It's absolutely ludicrous. I cannot get my head around it except that they are all fucking nuts.

My wife started her new job and our oldest daughter turned 18 and graduates next month. Crazy how time flies! We all are getting into the rhythm of things and it is pretty awesome.

Maybe my next post won't be so far away now that I have an iPhone. Until then...

Day of Decision...not yet

Today we were suppose to hear from the US Supreme Court on whether or not they would take up the Prop 8 case and DOMA.  But nothing yet.  It could come as early as Monday, December 3rd or even on December 7th.  Hopefully we will hear something soon.  Patience is a virtue, but waiting is a bitch.

So tonight, I am celebrating 5 years since my first date with my lovely wife.  It was a day much like today: rainy, cold, mud everywhere.  But we had the most romantic time. The evening was filled with butterflies.  Not in the air as it was too chilly, but in our tummies.  We always giggle at that because we both were so insanely nervous.  This is where butterflies in our relationship started.  And another layer of the meaning for the sole butterfly in my ink on my arm. The catalyst for change.  The chosen direction.  Flight. Evolution. Love. Beauty. Freedom. 

My decision to be me.  My decision to live an outward life surrounded by love.  My decision to tread through the mud, the hills, any obstacle...all for the truth.  For life to be what it was meant to be.  I did not choose to be gay. I was born this way.  I made the decision to be free.

Patiently, I await the decision of the United States Supreme Court on whether they will uphold the decisions made by two previous federal courts in California that Prop 8 is unconstitutional.

Birthday analysis

On Wednesday, November 28th, somewhere in the afternoon during the 3:00 hour, I will turn 39 years old.  I was born on a Wednesday, and I am entering into my last year of my 30's on the same day of the week.  That means my 40th birthday will be next year, and also fall exactly on Thanksgiving. On Wednesday, I will begin my 40th year of life.

When I began my 30th year of life, I was not in the best of places.  I had increasing anxiety and a fear of being around people. I would fall asleep when I was out with friends. I had very poor self-esteem and my health (apparently) was not in the best of places. About mid-way through that year of life, my body told me to slow down.  I had my only seizure thus far which made me go to the hospital for testing.  I was not healthy.  I needed to change my life or I might not see 40 without some really insane health issues.  I changed my life: began working out 5 days a week, eating lower carbs and meditating and doing yoga to calm my mind and find my center.  On my 30th birthday, I was full of energy and had a vigor for life. Of course, a few years following this is when the real self-analysis happened and I started to be honest about who I was and how I wanted to live, as fearful as it was at the time. My life changed and it was so much better in so many ways.

Somehow, I felt that I could never slip back into unhealthiness again.  I have absolutely maintained my sanity: my life is the best it has ever been.  I truly mean that when I say it.  I cry sometimes, just to myself, because I honestly never thought my life could be this full with my little family.  I honestly see my future, with my wife and girls, and it is clear and beautiful and bright.  My only concern is my health.

As this 40th year begins, I find myself sleepy (A LOT), cranky, and overweight.  I use to blame it on my boobs, saying that they were choking me when I lay down.  But honestly, it's my tummy.  Now, in case you are not aware, I like to eat.  I like curves and I am not all about the skinny figure.  My concern is that my body is not responding the way it should be.  My knees feel arthritic and no longer have the energy that I had just 10 years ago.  I have tried to start doing things but I lack commitment and always have an excuse.   But now, it is time. And I am making my commitment here.

I have no goal weight.  But I do have an exercise goal.  I am committing, to myself, my family and to anyone who reads this, to exercise 4 days of the week.  I also am committing to meditate regularly.  I cannot state a numeric goal, however, I would like to meditate when I need to.  I think it will help me stay focused.  I am also committing to eating healthier.  I need to keep portion control at the top of my list.  I am going to refrain from sugar and eat smaller portions.  I am going to do the best that I can.  It is hard to say I will eliminate processed foods and high carb foods but I will commit to thinking my meals through and doing the best I can do with what I have.

I will begin this change in my life habits on the first day of my 40th year (so that means on Thursday). I feel this is the best way to begin.  I don't want to be "bathing suit ready by summer"; I could give a shit about that. I want to be the ball of awesomeness, at my core, and ring 40 in with a lot of high fives.  I am ready.

Chick-fil-A...what's the big deal?

I had a very interesting conversation recently with a friend of mine over the recent public boycott of Chick-fil-A.  I say public boycott because I have been boycotting them for years, but it seems only recently has it hit the newsstands.  The CEO of Chick-fil-A came out as saying that if you support marriage equality, then you "are inviting God's judgment on our nation," and that we "shake our fist at Him".  Chick-fil-A has donated over $5 million dollars to anti gay organizations and hate groups.  I know they are a Christian based organization, which is absolutely fine.  I have a problem with the CEO imparting his views on a franchised business and using our money to donate to organizations I disagree with.  So for that, I boycott them.

Some people I have known for a long time still eat there.  I don't believe they feel their purchase of a chicken meal really makes any sort of difference.  My friend had asked me how I felt about it; that people I knew, who supported me, were also eating at Chick-fil-A.  He thought that was really back ass-wards that someone would do that, knowing they fund groups who are keeping marriage equality at bay.  I told him simply this: people are simple.  Most really don't think their actions have any sort of effect on the environment around them.  That is why so many people litter.  They have no concept that they are, little by little, destroying our Earth. Does it bother me that someone I know still eats there and doesn't care, just because they like their food?  Yeah, it does.  It hurts in my heart.  Honestly, their food isn't that great.  It's fast food.  Fast food tastes like shit. It may smell good and it may taste good initially, but again, that's the media and the advertising and false smells they pump out to get your taste buds craving their food.  I use to eat there, back in the day.  Then I decided that I didn't like their tactics. So I stopped.  And you know?  I never craved it again.

Many times, I think people think "Oh there goes Lisa, preaching on her soap box again." Especially within my bio-family. But they don't realize how REALLY directly these actions e/affect me.  The Effect is that funding toward these groups and organizations that keep Prop 8 and DOMA alive and well cause me to not have the same marriage rights as heterosexual couples, pay more taxes, simply because of who I love.  The Affect is that my heart truly hurts. Because I *do* take it personally.

So nothing is new.  Boycotting Chick-fil-A will stay.  As will boycotting Rockstar and See's Candy.  There are better energy drinks and better chocolate, pure and simple.  And that is my choice.  I choose where my money goes.  And it won't go knowingly to support anti-gay hate groups.

Married? Yes, I am.

 So, I realize I have been lax in writing.  Well, I have been busy.  I got MARRIED! June 8, 2012.  6 and 8, our two favorite numbers.  In beautiful Laguna Beach at Tivoli Too.  It was the most perfect day, surrounded by all of our lovely friends and those who we consider family. Those who supported us, those who believe in love.  We wrote our ceremony and our amazing friend (Master of the Universe) officiated the wedding.  She was awesome - she got ordained just in case it was legal, and plans to marry us when it is indeed legal.  I love her! And at the end of the ceremony, one part that gave me chills was when she said "By the powers denied me by the State of California..." Poignant. Our marriage had some political points, however, it was not political.  It was absolutely and perfectly about love.  And I couldn't be happier. Above is our beautiful ceremony site and our rainbow butterfly cake. Enjoy the pictures below:

Us!

 The Honor Party of Awesomeness!

 Me and my beautiful wife

 We rocked this photo!

Equality in the Courtroom

I was summoned for jury duty today.  I pretty much am summoned every year.  Only 2 times have I ever made it as far as the courtroom where jury selection begins.  Today was one of those days. 

Now, as some of you may know, once you get as far as the juror box, they have you answer simple questions to get a better idea about you and how you might fit as a juror in the case.  The questions are about name, marital status, how many kids you have, where you work, where your spouse (if any) works, if you have family or close friends in law enforcement, etc.  Now, I haven't ever been called into the jury box, but last time I got this far into the jury selection process, I was married to my ex-husband.

Today, I was thinking about the case and the vague facts we were given.  I don't doubt that I would have sat on the trial had I been called to the jury box.  But I got to thinking, since we were waiting so long, how would I answer the questions had they called my name up?

"My name is Lisa.  I am, well, I am in a domestic partnership since that is as legal as it can get.  So not single, not legally married..."

In my mind, I am married.  My lovely other and I had a beautiful handfasting ceremony last year tying our spiritual bonds.  This June, we are having a wedding in front of those who have supported our relationship throughout the years. I don't know if it will be truly legal, but in our minds it will be.  But back to my point...

So here are all these jurors, stating they are divorced, married, single...and then what would I say?  I decided if I had to answer the questions, I would say "I have a domestic partner".  And that would "out" me to the 28 people in the courtroom. It made me feel different, of course.  Not quite married, definitely not single.  But definitely different from everyone else. 

If there was marriage equality, then I wouldn't have to out myself to anyone I didn't want to, like those people in the courtroom.  Just one more way that shows domestic partnership and civil unions are not the same as marriage.

Busy-ness keeps the bird...busy

I have been a lazy blogger.  I should blog at least once a week, maybe even once every two weeks.  I mean, how am I politically active and not sharing the word?  Well, I think it is because I have been up to my eyeballs in busy.  Busy at work, busy with the kiddos, busy with wedding, busy with moving furniture and doing this and doing that.  I am very thankful my lovely other and I are taking Friday (our M.L day...inside secret) to do something for us. We are having massages and going out to dinner.  2 hour long massages! Much needed massages... I really hope to stick to my word and blog more often.  Well, here is to one blog down, and another one to come! Cheers!

Update on the en banc review

The proponents filed a request for an en banc review of the full 9th Circuit Court.  This is not news, as we knew they would file another appeal.  I mean, why come this far and not keep filing? But really, it seems moot.  At this point, it is just to continue to delay the stay that is enacted.

Here is where you can get all your Prop. 8 updates.  I love this site.  It is run through AFER and gives all and any details you might need.

I'm not sure what to say about it at this point.  But I won't stop talking :)

Moving Forward

It has been almost two weeks since the Day of Decision for Prop. 8.  I have failed to blog due to all my other life musings (I'm getting married after all!)  But I wanted to just throw out some thoughts.

On February 7th, the 9th District Court of Appeals 3-judge panel denied the appeal of Prop. 8 supporters who tried to halt Judge Vaughn Walker's initial ruling that the proposition was unconstitutional.  Prop. 8 was struck down!  Here is a quote, beautifully stated by Judge Stephen Reinhardt:

"Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples. The Constitution simply does not allow for 'laws of this sort'."

I get chills every time I read it.

But alas, there is always more. Supporters of Prop. 8 have 14 days to appeal the District Court's ruling to have an en banc review (which would include the full panel of the 9th Circuit).  That 14 days expires tomorrow.  If they do not request an en banc review with a larger panel of the appeals court, the 3-judge panel’s ruling will be the last word at this level of appeal. Wow. That means the initial stay will expire on February 28th.   But, they can also file an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court.  They have 90 days to do so.  And they could request an extension of the stay... It's still too soon to celebrate, but my fingers and toes are crossed.

Right now, it is all about holding your breath.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Day of Decision...yet again!

You know when you are waiting for something in the mail and it seems to be taking FOREVER to get there?  And you run and check the mail every day? And when you finally get an envelope addressed to you, you tear it open and gasp for breath in anticipation of the news you were waiting for? And when you open your eyes, the letter says "DELAYED"? This is how I have been feeling for many years now.

In November 2008, rights of all LGBTQ Californians were stripped away with the passage of Prop. 8.  The fact that a law was passed that could actually take away rights from people, in this day and age, was utterly shocking.  In August 2010, Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that Prop. 8 was unconstitutional.  Hope was restored in California, however, marriages have yet to resume.  Did you hear me?  Marriages have yet to resume in California.

Now, you may say, "Woman, I know this." But honestly, there are so many people that ask me if it is legal to marry in California.  I realize people don't follow this as closely as my lovely other and I do, but it is interesting how many people think it is legal to marry someone who you love of the same sex here in California.  Damn, it SHOULD be legal!  But alas, it still is not.

For personal reasons, I am truly hoping that tomorrow's decision lifts the stay so marriages can continue in this state.  My wedding is 4 short months away.  It would be nice to promise my love and my heart in front of my friends and family and have it be legal in this state.  But if it isn't, it doesn't change my committment to my future wife nor to my daughters.  We are as legal as we can get it, and in our hearts and our life, we are married.  But that doesn't mean that I want or will settle for anything less than full federal equality.

Granted, the decision tomorrow is for the state of California (although there are ways for it to become a federal ruling if it goes on to the U.S. Supreme Court).  And I want equal rights in my state.  But it doesn't stop there. We need equality at a federal level.  As I sit here, for the second night in a row, doing taxes and banging my head against the wall with my lovely other, it is crazy of how many hoops same sex partners have to go through.  The fact that my income is her income and her income is my income and that we have to claim it as community property and add it to our earnings is completely ludicrous.  But I digress...

Tomorrow is a big day.  There are rallies planned and people are ready to react, regardless of the decision from the Ninth District Court of Appeals.  We plan on participating and being as involved as we can.  I will definitely be active in sharing information on Facebook and here on my blog. You can keep abreast at Prop 8 Trial Tracker. Cross your fingers, and your toes...even your eyes...oh wait, not the best idea.  But still, let us hope we can have equality in our state come tomorrow.

Freedom

Yesterday we celebrated Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.  I watched some of his speeches as I do most years and man, he really was an iconic person.  To think that we are fighting for our same civil liberties is amazing.  True freedom will never happen unless equality prevails.

I am anxiously awaiting a court decision for Prop 8.  It's so very hard because the in between time is so very great.  I feel like there is so much I should be doing.  But alas, a lot of it is wait time.  I will try to do more blogging.  My musings tend to vary lately.  So much on my mind and I believe it comes out all a blur.

Well, we have the Freedom of Speech and that, my friends, gives me the opportunity to share with you my perspective on an open forum such as the interwebs. Let's just hope I can express myself the way I want to be heard.

Remembering

On this Saturday, 25 years ago, my mom passed away.  I don't like to say she "succumbed" to breast cancer, because she fought that son-of-a-bitch every day for 8 years.  But eventually she just didn't have the strength left in her.  She didn't give up.  My mom never gave up.  She was a strong woman and I believe I get my strength from her.

I was 13 when my mom died.  Shortly after was when I stopped believing in the ways set forth in Catholicism.  I couldn't fathom a god who loved me so much to take my mom away when I needed her most, leaving me behind to take care of my brother and my father.  It didn't make sense.  Although my mom taught me everything I needed to know to survive in this world, it never made sense why I needed to know these things so young.  Ironically, I find myself teaching them to my two daughters because I know it will make them stronger.  My lovely other and I both believe these things to be true and we want to instill the power of choice, the power of responsibility and the power of love in our girls.

I remember thinking when I was about 15 years old that I could never imagine my mom being gone for 10 years... When I turned 26, I realized that she had been gone for twice the amount of years I had been alive! I remember at 34 when I had a small, fibrous mass in my breast, how ironic it was that I was the age my mom was misdiagnosed as having a benign mass in her breast.  And now, at 38, I am looking upon the 25 year anniversary of her passing.  I have a lot of memory loss within my adult years (no, it was not due to crazy partying or massive drug use, ha!), but no matter what, I remember that day crystal clear in my head.  Every moment.  Bits and pieces from the days before and sporadic events from the days following.  But that one afternoon is still as clear as day.

My future wife says I look just like my mom and that the older I get, the more I look like her.  I have her smile, and her eyes. I always felt so proud when people said I look like her.  I still am proud.  My cousin once told me that she would have supported me in my decisions to live the life I lead; to be the person I am; to express myself to the fullest.  I believe that. She always wanted only the best for my brother and I.  I have a journal she kept and I know it to be true. Maybe she knew deep down that she was growing an activist; someone who was destined to make a difference.  Maybe somehow she knew.

I wish I could have known her as an adult.  I use to miss the whole "growing up" thing, that relationship you cultivate between parent and child.  But now, I wish I had known her in my adult life.  I think it would have truly been amazing to have a conversation with her.  It would be a long conversation, maybe about parenting, maybe about politics.  And there would be laughter, because we both laugh alot...and loud. I always remember my mom smiling, laughing.  Even when she was in pain. I guess that is good.  It's those memories that keep me going.  Those are the ones that teach me to never give up.

Love is what makes a family

About a month ago, Zach Wahls spoke out about his family during a public forum in the Iowa House of Representatives on a measure that would end civil unions in the state.   Watch this amazing video here. It's something that hit home strong, as he was so very clear about his stance.  So very poignant and passionate.  I actually emailed this video to my dad and my step mom.  They once told me to stop sending any videos that were politically fueled, which I find funny since my dad loves to talk politics.  But LGBTQ issues hit too close to home I guess.  I have no clue if they watched it, but it was a must send!

Today, I watched this montage, which made me teary in all good ways.  Our youngest daughter watched the video with us.  I think she is seeing more and more that any kind of family is indeed family and she is understanding that having two moms is absolutely natural.  The other day she and I were cooking dinner on the barbeque and she starts talking about our upcoming wedding in June, shouting out, "And I will officially have two moms! Yaayyyy!" Our marriage is important to her, which makes it all the more important to us. :)

I love seeing families that are built on LOVE! Not traditional constructs, but love.  Be them gay, straight, mixed, whatever they may be, they are beautiful. One of my closest friends, states her religion as Love.  I absolutely love that!  The peaceful, joyous celebration of sharing intimate space and time.  It's beautiful. However "tree-huggy" that sounds, it really is a sense of calm in my eyes.

I am wishing for all of you to have a blessed holiday season, and I, along with many others are hoping for equality for all families in 2012.

XO

4 days of anxious waiting

December 8th is approaching in 4 days.  We are having a day in court on that day, which ironically is exactly 6 months before my lovely other and I are getting married.

There is an amazing site called Prop 8 Trial Tracker that I follow which gives me all the scoop on what's going on with Prop 8. They have this amazing "Where Things Stand" which you can find here. On December 8th, we will be hearing about the potential releasing of the Prop 8 tapes as well as the notion of standing and the arguments related to vacating Judge Walker's ruling.

I am so anxious about this.  I want so badly for it all to be done with.  Our youngest daughter even mentioned it to me the other day, not understanding why Prop 8 was even still alive.  I want to be able to marry my bride without restriction; without discrimination and without feeling like we are second-class citizens.

If you have any questions about how we could possibly feel like second class citizens, look up how much higher I am taxed on health benefits because I have a domestic partner, not a spouse.  This is an additional percentage I pay because I am not legally married. Look at how I have to have my health benefits taken our POST-tax due to federal stipulations, thus paying higher taxes.  Look at the fact the health insurance coverage my employer pays for my partner is considered income in the state of California and I have to pay taxes on it...even though they already taxed me once.  Look at the fact that if I lose my job, my partner is not eligible for COBRA because it is a federal benefit.

On top of that, add to the fact that I pretty much "come-out" on the daily.  "Your husband?" "No, my partner." I don't mind.  I am very proud. I wouldn't change me, as it took a very long time to get to be me.  It's more people's reactions.  Luckily, I haven't had any bad reactions, just ones where you know they are trying to think of how to respond.  I just keep on, keepin' on :-)  Because she is worth it..we are worth it :-)

Here's to 4 more days of waiting...

Hope

This is one of the most powerful speeches.  Today, we remember Harvey Milk and what he did for the LGBT community.  In fact, my lovely other and I are going to watch "Milk" right now as a tribute.

Thank you Harvey.  Thank you for giving all of us hope.